Girl Talk
by garg-girl
Summary: Rodney over hears some of the women and he's frightened by what he hears.


**Girl Talk**

_**by garggirl**_

Disclaimer:  
Canon characters are copyright Cooper/Wright Productions.  
No infringement of these copyrights is intended, and is not authorized by the copyright holders.  
All original characters are the property of garggirl.

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Author's Note: For the purposes of this fic, we are going to pretend that there are two psychiatrists, Kate Heightmeyer and Sarah Xavier (a character of my own creation) in accordance with another fic I'm currently writing.

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"Where the bloody hell is Rodney?" Carson cursed, pacing the length of his quarters.

John looked up from shuffling the cards. "Relax, Doc. I saw him before coming here. He said he just had to stop by the mess hall to grab the chips."

On either side of Sheppard sat Ronon, who impatiently drummed his fingers on the table's surface, and Zelenka, who was presently nursing a glass of Scotch. It was their weekly poker night and they were all eager to get started.

No sooner had Carson sighed in frustration for the third time in the last ten minutes, did a chime sound. The Scotsman keyed a series of numbers into the keypad by the door, and it opened only to reveal Rodney McKay. Rodney's face held a looked which appeared to be a complicated combination of horror and surprise.

"It's about bloody time!" Carson huffed, grabbing the chips out of McKay's hand. "What ye do? Grow the taters yerself?"

John fixed the Chief Scientific Advisor with a worried look. "Rodney?" he asked slowly. "Is everything alright?"

Rodney took several steps into the room, his face continuing to hold the strange expression. Carson, Ronon and Zelenka now mirrored Sheppard's worried look.

"I...uh...I..." Rodney finally stammered. Rodney licked his dry lips.

"Well, out with it, man," Zelenka prompted.

Rodney sat down heavily on the nearest vacant chair. "I overheard 'Lisabeth, Doc, Teyla and Cadman in the lounge...oh, I can't believe it!...It was just so..." Rodney trailed off.

A moment of silence clicked by before anyone said anything.

"Just so what?" Ronon urged, his impatience suddenly replaced by curiousity.

Rodney continued to stare off into nothingness. "So...dirty. I didn't know women talked that way."

The others leaned in closer, eager to hear where Rodney was going with this.

Sheppard suddenly looked very enthused, long forgetting about playing cards. "Ooooo, dirty girl talk...fess up!"

For the first time since arriving, Rodney looked each of the guys straight in the eye. "I'll never forget it for as long as I live."

Ronon smiled broadly. "Well, let us 'not forget it' with you."

Rodney's face took on that faraway look again. "Well, I just came out of the mess hall, and as I passed the lounge, I heard Doc's voice as clear as day..."

"Don't you think that's a personal question, Lieutentent? I mean, really," Sarah said in exasperation. "Why in the universe would I ever want to have sex with a Wraith? Please!"

"Well then answer the other one then."

"Which of my teammates I'd like to have sex with? That's just wrong. I mean, I have to work with these men," Sarah took a sip of her cafe mocha. "What's with all these sex questions, anyway?"

"Well, I was going through my foot locker, and I found an old stack of romance novels. The ones were written about women who have torrid affairs with co-workers or someone from 'the wrong side of the tracks'. Anyway I was thinking that maybe there was some truth in some of the writing, and I started thinking... about, well, sex and danger."

"Always a dangerous sign, Laura," Kate grinned. "Especially about sex and danger."

"So I started thinking," Laura stammered. Sarah cocked an eyebrow. "Since you're the only one I know that's ever come close to an inner-office romance, I figured that, well..."

"I'd know more about which co-worker I'd like to have sex with, and if I'd have any kinky Wraith fantasies," Sarah concluded. "I think definitely personal much. You've been reading far too many sleazy novels. You gotta get out more."

Cadman smiled wryly. "We're in another galaxy. How much more out can I get?"

"Oh, come on. Tell me that you haven't thought about it once in a while," Elizabeth persisted. Sarah shrugged.

"Well, if I must answer, I'd have to go with Rodney...but I refuse to answer the first question!"

Elizabeth gaped at her. "Dr. McKay? You're joking? McKay?"

Sarah suddenly blushed wildly and was about to retort when Teyla walked in from a side room. "Dr McKay what?"

"Dr McKay nothing," Sarah said quickly. Cadman was heedless to the Psychiatrist's tone, her mind was still reeling.

"Doc wants to have hot monkey sex with McKay," she blurted out.

Teyla arched both her eyebrows in surprise.

"Yeah, Rodney. What of it?" Sarah retorted.

"I'm thinking, Ew!" Cadman went into a full body shiver.

"Why Dr McKay?" Teyla asked, taking a seat next to the others on the couch.

"What do you mean 'why Dr McKay?"

"Yeah," Elizabeth asked. "Why him? I mean why not Sheppard? He's your ex. Why not him?"

Sarah rolled her eyes. "It's because he is my ex. I mean, before he joined the military he was just so...well, unincumbered. Anyway, I'd prefer Rodney because I don't think it would just be about his own needs, y'know what I mean?"

Laura stared at her for a long moment. "Once again, ewwwww!"

Teyla's brow furrowed. "What I do not understand is why you would want Dr McKay of all people to make love to you," she interjected. "True, he is attractive, but he is no Major Sheppard."

Sarah sighed in frustration. "Hey, I've got a wild and crazy idea...let's change the subject."

"Wonder how sex with McKay would be," Elizabeth mused out loud.

"Oh, I think fantastic," Sarah answered absent-mindedly. Her eyes grew as round as saucers and she received gaped looks from her companions. "I didn't just say that out loud, did I?"

"You think that sex with McKay would be fantastic?" Cadman yelped.

Sarah glared at Liz. "You tricked me!"

Elizabeth took on a look of mock innocence. "Hey, you admitted it on your own free will, I was just thinking out loud."

"I knew you had thought about it," Cadman crowed. "Come on, give! Why?"

Pinned by the looks of her friends, Sarah answered. "Well...just look at him, he obviously takes care of himself, nice body, tall; well-toned. He's really been building up some nice muscle-tone on some of the missions we've been sent on, and trust me, I know -- I've seen him in the locker room. And lest we forget that amazing mind of his. Smart men are very, very sexy."

"And?"

"He has a real silky voice," Sarah said dreamily. "That's like, real smooth, and those gorgeous blue eyes."

"But he's so mean and opinionated. That's a major off for me. Other than being an insufferable know-it-all thing," Cadman lamented.

"So what else?" Elizabeth persisted. Sarah looked hesitant. "Give!"

Red-faced, Sarah caved in. "Well, y'know how when he's working a problem he gets so involved, so mired down in concentration. Imagine if he applied that same concentration in the bedroom as he does in the lab. If he's so intense about his work, then think of the intenseness he'd have at sex...and those nimble fingers...oh!"

"Wow!" Teyla exhaled. "Sex with Dr McKay...That would be so...intense!" Teyla said wide-eyed. Sarah, Elizabeth, Kate, and Cadman looked at her, then at each other and burst out laughing.

Wide-eyed, Sheppard stared at Rodney. Radek broke the silence. "And that was end of conversation?"

"Uh...well," he stammered. Rodney tore his gaze away from Sheppard's.

"Well? Was that it?" Sheppard demanded. Rodney shifted uncomfortably before continuing.

"No, there was a bit more."

"Well? Out with it!"

"Well, everything was quiet for a few minutes before Cadman asked..."

"So, how was sex with Sheppard?"

Sarah stopped in her tracks. "What?"

"Lieutentent! How can you ask that?" Elizabeth squeaked. "That's such a personal question!"

"No, asking about Sheppard's size would be a personal question. I just wanted to know how it was," Cadman countered. "I'm not asking if he was a teenie-weenie, 'umm good' or 'oh, my god!'. I just want to know if he was good."

"A teenie-weenie? Umm good? 'Oh my God!'?" Teyla choked. "I did not know that there were labels!"

"There are labels on everything, Teyla!" Kate smirked. "So?"

"I never...I mean, we were too busy," Sarah blushed. "We were too busy doing stuff...and it was well...um...okay."

"That's it? Only okay?" Cadman echoed, clearly disappointed. "With a stallion like that, he was only okay?"

"Wonder how big Dr McKay is?" Teyla said aloud. Sarah stared at her. "I did not just say that out loud, did I?"

"Now that's a personal question," Cadman laughed. Teyla blushed wildly. "Well...McKay's just about as big as Sheppard, so..."

Sarah shook her head vigorously. "I don't want to hear this."

"So he might be as bigas Sheppard," Cadman concluded. "Maybe Doc can..."

Sarah looked horrified. "I am not going to cop a feel the next time I run into Rodney!"

"Why not? He wouldn't know the difference! He'd just think you were trying to catch your balance!"

"No!" Sarah was still shaking her head. "Can't you see it? I mean, me falling onto Dr McKay, and wondering how I could cop a feel to see how big he is?"

"Well, you could check his shoe size?" Elizabeth offered helpfully. The others stared at her. "I mean, it's supposably related in size."

"I thought it was the size of his hands," Kate said thoughtfully. "Or was it his pants size?"

"Either way, I'm ending this line of conversation. I am not going to wonder on anyone's size anymore tonight!" Sarah decided.

"But Doc! Aren't you the least bit curious? I mean, you've obviously thought about it?" Cadman protested.

"I have, but that's not the point!" Sarah said in exasperation. "You're the one that's started this highly disturbing conversation!"

Cadman was about to retort when many other female personnel poured into the room from the side doors. "To be continued later!"

"Hey! I'm not answering anymore..." Sarah protested as the lights began to dim and the movie began.

There was absolute silence in the room as Sheppard glared at Rodney who continued to look like a deer caught in headlights. He twitched under the intense stare. Beckett's hand flittered up to covered this mouth. "And that was all?"

Rodney nodded.

That was it, Ronon's face flushed. Then started to snicker, and the wild uncontrollable laughter erupted from his chest. Sheppard glared, then growled at the Sadetan as the titterings in the room grew as he was joined by Beckett and Zelenka.

Sheppard glared at the laughing trio. It was bad enough that Doc described his performance as okay to her friends. But it was absolutely humiliating to know that his ex thought about McKay in a sexual way, let alone was wondering about his size!

Rodney suddenly began to titter as well. His eyes locked onto Sheppard's and his laughter grew. If Doc was here, he'd definitely kiss her. Maybe even give her a peek at how big he was. The humiliation and anger on Sheppard's face was worth it. That conversation alone made his life. The Shrink had unconsciously pumped up his pride and masculinity all at once. And added to the prize, she helped him in humiliating Sheppard!

"Shut. Up!" Sheppard shouted. Rodney laughed harder. "I said shut up!"

"As soon as I catch my breath, I think that I'll oblige the good doctor," Rodney said through his laughter.

"I said shut up! And you're not going anywhere near her!" Sheppard growled as he leaped from his seat and grabbed Rodney by his collar, pulling him closer. "You aren't going to give her anything!"

Rodney threw Sheppard's hands from his shirt and taunted him. "Well it seems that you didn't give her much of anything at all if she's wondering on how big I am! Must be losing your touch with women! Doc wasn't satisfied with second best, and according to her, I'm the best."

Sheppard growled, and without a further word, stalked out of the room.

Later on that night, Rodney roamed the halls of the ancient city, and soon, quite on accident, strolled into the infirmary, finding himself standing outside Sarah's office. He peered carefully through the slightly ajar door, watching Sarah at her desk as she scribbed furiously on the paper before her. He watched carefully as her chest rose up and down with each breath, her small mouth slightly open. Her legs crossing and uncrossing. Her thighs just barely visible beneath her skirt. Smooth. Silky. Strong.

After a few moments of this silent torture, Rodney rapped on the door and pushed it open further.

"Evening, Doc," he smiled seductively.

The door swung shut tightly behind him.

THE END


End file.
